The US Border patrol has been ordered to release the immigrants they catch and to not track them afterward.  In order to accommodate the expected explosion of immigrants the federal government is requesting that each citizen purchase two full size blow up beds that can be used for housing.

Since the uptick in tuberculosis and lice is overwhelming health officials across the country.  the Department of the Homeland has assured us that any infestation caused by housing infected persons in your home will be fully covered by Obamacare.  Please check with your state exchange as regards any restrictions.

All citizens will be required to learn Spanish and Farsi  in order to facilitate the immigrant’s needs and to aid them in applying for benefits.   Should any immigrant have weapons or explosives the citizen is urged not to report this as to not anger the immigrant.  These are considered required for the immigrant to protect themselves from the hateful and evil American citizen.

Complaints will be resolved by the Department of the Homeland after a filing fee of $1000 per complaint.  All complaints are expected to be resolved this century.