After a series of subway stabbings New York City mayor Bill De Blasio has put forth an ordinance to ban all knives within the 5 borough New York City area.  The ordinance, stating the need to protect the public from future subway slashers, asks citizens to bring their knives to City Hall.

Bill Bratton, the city’s top cop, has been asked to include the confiscation of knives as part the normal patrol regimen.   Seen as a side benefit, the consumption of meats in New York City is expected to be greatly reduced.    In order to facilitate the collection of these dangerous weapons, those with criminal records will be paid for their knives in the NYC Knife Buy Back program, non criminals would be given a one time gift card for a 32 oz coke.

The mayor has stated that he expects this ordinance to save lives.  He is further considering a blunt object ban as well.  When asked about violence committed by people using their bare hands, he said that sort of ordinance would just not be practical.  He would recommend removal of any hands or feet found to have committed a crime.  The city would not be using the confiscated knives for this.

All this is designed, he said, to make New York City the safest place on earth.  (satire)